All Pets Go To Heaven
by Bushy Squirrel
Summary: Lucifer and Gabriel both have the day off work. Just what are they going to talk about? Human AU. - K-plus for minor adult language


"I should get a cat." Gabriel commented mindlessly as he watched Lilith, Lucifer's snow white feline, weave her away around the knick knacks on top of Lucifer's bookcase.

"You already have a dog." Lucifer didn't bother looking up from his paperwork. Gabriel wouldn't care about mere eye contact as long as you were giving him any amount of attention.

"I know. But Joker is alone in the house so often. He needs a playmate."

"Then get another dog." Lucifer suggested dryly. "He'll get along with another dog better than a cat."

"But having two dogs to play with each other is so last year." Gabriel whined, obviously going the petulant route just because he could.

"Why are you here, again?" Lucifer finally looked up from his paperwork. He loved his baby brother, he truly did. Gabriel had always been his favorite sibling. But that didn't mean Gabriel was incapable of annoying him.

"The head honchos in HR closed up shop today because of the building renovations. Apparently they're redoing the flooring in the main lobby, preventing people from getting to their offices." Gabriel replied automatically, hinting at a habit of having to answer similar types of questions repeatedly.

"Your office is on a different floor and is accessible from a different entrance." Lucifer pointed out. He never understood Gabriel's career choice, but was nevertheless amused by it. Lucifer was the Director of Legal and Corporate Affairs for the family company, while their brothers Michael and Raphael were the CEO and Director of Human Resources, respectively. Gabriel, on the other hand, applied to intern at a rival company the moment he turned 18 and had worked his way up to Director of Media Affairs. It was fitting, Lucifer had to admit, because it meant Gabriel was basically paid to fool around on social media websites while thinking up crazy ideas for advertisements.

"When HR says the building is closed for the day, the building is closed for the day. The Big Boss all the way up top didn't argue it so why should I?" Gabriel leaned forward to snatch a hard candy from the bowl on Lucifer's coffee table, a bowl that was probably there because of him to being with. "Anyway, I thought you had the day off as well. I remember Mikey being quite firm about it during our customary family dinner on Sunday."

"Michael doesn't realize how important it is that I review this paperwork right away." Lucifer explained. "It needs to be reviewed, notarized, and filed before Friday. That leaves today and tomorrow. It would have been done by now, but _someone_ had to mess around with my assistant's bag."

"What's so important about it that it needs to be filed by Friday?" Gabriel gave his big brother a grin, knowing how irritated Lucifer got when he screwed around with Azazel, but didn't comment that specific aspect. Lucifer had yet to actually do anything about it. Until then, Gabriel would just continue with the pranks like clockwork.

"You know I'm technically not supposed to tell you anything, Gabriel, even if you _are_ a stock holder. You work for a rival company." Lucifer returned Gabriel's grin with a smirk.

"When has the technicalities ever stopped you from sharing company gossip with me?" Lucifer tilted his head in acknowledgment of that point. He and Gabriel knew a lot more about each others jobs than they were technically allowed to know, it even went against their employment contracts, but the threat of legal action didn't bother either of them. They did what they wanted.

"Raphael has been pushing for the purchase of the Ramsey Building downtown. I don't know why, I stopped listening at that point, but Michael did a few negotiations behind the scenes and got a deal out of it. This paperwork would transfer ownership to us before the formal announcement of the Ramsey Building being put up for sale."

"Sweet. Let me guess. You stopped listening because you think Raphael's reasons for wanting the building would be total bullshit." The grin returned to Gabriel's face at full force.

"Bull's eye." Lucifer pointed at Gabriel with the stylus he was using the help him keep his place on the document. "His Assistant Director, Uriel, absolutely abhors that skunk he keeps with him in his office while he's working. Granted the thing's scent glands are removed, but not many people know that and I think he keeps it that way so employees bother him with unnecessary bullshit. A new building means he could expand Human Resources like he wants, as well as getting a new office."

"You know, I still can't get over the fact that Raphael got a _skunk_ as a pet. You have a cat and a cage full of canaries, Mikey has a dog and a parrot, and I have a dog. If any of us were to go the strange route when it comes to our furry and feathery friends, you'd think it would be _me_." Gabriel got out around chuckles.

"There's an idea. Go exotic. Get a reptile."

"Does an apple come with that snake, Lucifer?" Gabriel cracked. "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to decline that offer."

"Don't be so cliché, Gabriel. I was thinking something with more legs, like an iguana. You seem like someone who would have an iguana." Lucifer frowned at the joke about his name. Gabriel was lucky he was the favorite because that was the only thing saving him from Lucifer's 'Biblical' wrath.

"I don't see that going over too well with Joker. Too many claws."

"It was only a suggestion." Lucifer replied, turning back to his paperwork. He glanced at his clock and briefly considered breaking for lunch. Being at home meant he'd get a decent meal instead of having to go to a restaurant, but being at home also meant that Gabriel was probably going to make a mess of his kitchen while trying to 'help'.

"Perhaps I should go more furry. Maybe a ferret? Joker can't come to the office with me, but I'm sure a ferret would be allowed. I can get the little bugger a cage maze that goes all over my office and everything. Hell, I'll get two so there's one at home as well."

"I'm sure Michael would enjoy that. A furry pole climbing up his legs every time he visits you." Lucifer snorted in amusement, seeing that situation going two different ways. Either Michael would be horrified and accidentally kick the poor thing off before he realized what he was doing, or he'd laugh and play with the thing just as often as he played with Joker.

"That settles it, then." Gabriel announced in a tone of finality. "I'll get a ferret. A girl, too, so I can name her Trixie."

"Trixie?" Lucifer asked incredulously.

"Hey, it's better than what you call your canaries." Gabriel shot back.

"What's wrong with Legion?"

"The poor things don't have individual names! You just refer to them all as one. How is that normal?"

"Says the man who made a Satan-reference about me just a few minutes ago."

"I know. And you have no idea how happy I am you aren't referring to any of our pets as 'little demons'." Gabriel let out an exaggerated sigh of relief, pulling an eye roll from Lucifer.

"As you say, all dogs go to heaven. It's only logical that that applies to all pets, as well, and since all pets go to heaven then it would make no sense to call them demons." Lucifer explained in a condescending tone as if Gabriel had something particularly idiotic.

"Well, you certainly don't call any of them angels." Gabriel pointed out, ignoring Lucifer's tone. It was just one of many things of their brotherly dynamic.

"Don't speak such nonsense. Why would I call Lilith an angel when she's named after a demon?" Lucifer turned the point back around on Gabriel, giving his baby brother a grin at the turnabout.

"You. Are. Impossible." Gabriel drew out, stretching out on Lucifer's couch with a flop.

"And unfortunately for Michael and Raphael, you learned all of that from me." Lucifer's grin grew wider, Gabriel letting out a loud laugh. Perhaps Lucifer could convince Gabriel not to let their brothers see the new ferret until he was there to witness their reactions.


End file.
